Intelligence Nab
by Savagely74
Summary: Jane Doe, aka Soldier, is tasked with taking back their intel as well as BLU's from BLU's base, Turbine. Accompanied by Scout and Engineer, the proceed with the mission, hoping to bring back the gold, and theirselves, in one piece. Rated M for profanity and violence. Thia fanfiction was made for the TF2 2017 Summer Jam.


**American Hero**

It's a sunny day here in Terrence, New Mexico. RED team had set up base here in an abandoned shell factory. Soldier slowly stood up from his bed, stretched and yawned. He walked downstairs and entered the factory's one and only male bathroom. He took a toothbrush and some toothpaste from a case labeled "Soldier." He ran the water and brushed his teeth over the course of 3 minutes. Rinsing off his toothbrush, he placed his items back in the case and walked out of the bathroom.

He walked over to the break area, where the employees would relax and snack, if this was 10 years ago. Nowadays, it's just an area to eat and plan for possible ambushes. Engineer, Spy, Medic, Heavy, and Miss Pauling sat in chairs surrounding a circular table. Everyone except Spy had a Joe in front of them. Instead of coffee, Spy enjoyed a glass of wine.

"A little early for your fancy wine drinking, isn't it, Frenchie?" Soldier asked.

Spy shrugged and replied, "It's 5pm somewhere in zis corrupted world, Soldier."

"I guess I shouldn't expect you to understand how a _real_ American starts his mornings."

"Oh? It's not to wake up late and combine two meals into one?"

"No. Like the rest of us Americans, we start the day with coffee to energize us through anything God can through at us! Ha ha!"

"Hmm...Not as bad as zit could be, I suppose."

Miss Pauling rubbed the temples of her head.

"Soldier, only 3 of us are-" She began to say.

Heavy placed a hand on Miss Pauling and said, "Trust Heavy, Miss Pauling. Is better to ignore."

Miss Pauling sighed and agreed. Soldier grabbed a cup and filled it with the coffee. He took a hungry gulp of the beverage.

"Ah! Black. How all coffee should be." He said.

Soldier stood beside Engineer, a hand on his shoulder.

"So, what are today's plans, Miss Pauling?" He asked.

"Well, same as always. Preparing for any BLU ambushes. Frankly, I'm surprised that we haven't been attacked by them yet. We've been here for weeks." Miss Pauling answered.

Scout, entering with Demoman, opened the refrigerator and put two slices of pizza on a plate. He shoved it in the microwave, turning it on for 1 minute.

"Well, maybe they don't know we're here. This place is hella abandoned and we're miles from any otha city. Those dumbasses are probably still trying ta find us." He said.

"Aye. Those wee BLU mercenaries don't have a tick of an idea where we are." Demoman said.

Sniper rushed into the break room.

"I think they do, mate!" He exclaimed.

"Und how do you know zhat?" Medic asked.

"Cause our intel is gone, ya bloke! H-How has no one noticed that?!"

"It's gone?!" Miss Pauling yelled.

"Yeah. Gone without even a bloody trace!"

"Damn it all! That means BLU does know we're here."

"Yes. Clearly, zhey have stolen it. Are we finished yelling?" Spy chimed in.

"Well, this is premature, but we have no choice. We need to get take BLU's intel while also rescuing our own before its contents are tampered with."

"I volunteer to kick some Commie ass, Miss Pauling! I will retrieve our intelligence no matter what!" Soldier said.

"Ok, but you can't go alone...Let's see..."

Scout wrapped his arm around Miss Pauling and said, "Well, obviously, I can't go. If BLU were to attack while I was gone and if anything happened to Miss Pauling, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. Nah, I think I need to be _real_ close to Pauling here...it'd be in everyone's best interests."

Miss Pauling shuddered and took Scout's arm from around her.

"Actually, Scout, I think you should go. You are an offensive class. The both of you are! So go get that intel!" She said.

"What?" Scout asked.

Engineer stood up and said, "I'll go with them. I know Turbine better than any of y'all. Us three goin to Turbine should be more than enough."

"I don't know. What about Pyro? Where's Pyro?"

"Last time I saw him, he was playin around with some canisters..of...gasoline..Oh bloody hell." Sniper said, smelling the fire that soon became pungent in his nose.

"Between the 9 of us, I don't think Pyro's fit for the mission. He'd give us away with his fires." Soldier said.

"Ok, then what about Spy?" Miss Pauling asked.

"Miss Pauling, I'm expecting a package to arrive any moment. A package I'd like to not explain its contents. Also, I have just acquired this suit and I'll be damned if it's ruined on this mission." Spy told Pauling.

"First, that's a lousy excuse. Second, why would you order anything and have it delivered here?! No one is to know of what we do here!"

"I was going to kill the delivery boy afterwards. And besides, the address I gave him would lead him to the middle of nowhere, not too far from here. No one would find our hideout, most of which is covered with sand."

"That's still stupid, Spy! Ugh! Fine...I guess you can leave, Engie. I think with Heavy and Medic here, along with the other mercs, we'll be fine with your sentries."

"Thank you kindly. Let's hurry, fellas!" Engineer said.

"Whatever. Hey, Sniper. Give us your keys already." Scout said.

"You must be insane if you think I'm givin you my camper van, mate." Sniper said.

"Come on, Sniper! Turbine is miles and miles and miles away! We don't have any other car ta get there."

"Just lend them the van, Sniper. I promise you, nothing's gonna happen to it. You have my word." Miss Pauling said.

"Fine, but if even a mere scratch lands her, it's coming out of your pockets, Miss Pauling. And do not let Scout drive!"

"No promises, Aussie." Scout says, taking Sniper's keys.

Sniper grabs Scout by his collar.

"Bring it back the way it left or I'm cuttin off ya love stick, ya understand me?" He asked.

"Ok, ok! Jeez!"

"Come now, men. Let's do this one for America!" Soldier said.

Soldier, Scout, and Engineer ran out of the base and to the camper van. Soldier took the keys from Scout and entered the driver's seat. Engineer yelled, "Shotgun," and sat beside Soldier. Scout sat in the back on the floor as Soldier started up the van. Soldier drove towards a dirt road and turned right, following the road.

"Prepare yourself, men! We're going against an unknown amount of BLUs, so stay on your toes once we're there!" Soldier told the two.

"Psh! Worry about ya self, Soldier. None of those BLUs stand a chance against _these_ guns." Scout boasted, flexing his spaghetti muscles.

"Don't y'all worry, fellas. If we're all quiet and smart, we'll be just fine." Engineer reminded them.

"Ha! So Soldier's not making it back."

"I will shove my boot so far up your ass, Scout, you'll be brushing your teeth with shoe polish!"

"Calm down there, Red. Oh wait, he's not a character yet."

"Now yer just speakin nonsense, Scout."

Transitioning to the three mercs mere miles away from the base, Scout was playing with his bat and Engineer was cleaning his wrench.

"So, Engie. Don't ya just think Miss Pauling's the most perfect, brilliant, stunning and adorable person, besides me of course, in the world?" Scout said.

"Disregarding that last part, she is quite a lady, and I do believe that every lady deserves a gentleman and vice versa." Engie responded.

"My thoughts exactly."

"And that gentleman ain't you."

"What?!"

Scout sprang up from the back as the car was now driving on a smooth tar road.

"You ain't a gentleman, Scout. Your idea of a date involves a beer in one hand and your so-called lady's posterior in the other. You've only dated trash. You haven't the slightest idea on how to treat a real woman."

"O-Of course I do! And how many times do I have ta tell ya? Those several girls were just offering themselves to me. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Heh. Maybe yer dad could teach ya-"

"I don't have a dad! He's dead!"

Engineer sighed.

"Scout, he used a pocket watch. He ain't-"

"My dad isn't him, Engie. Just drop it."

"Denial does **not** suit you."

"Whatever. I know what I saw. I know who I saw."

"And you know why you saw it."

"Damnit, Engie!"

"Could the both of you pansies be quiet! We're approaching Turbine!" Soldier said.

Turbine was dead ahead, swarming with BLUs. Soldier drove the car to a destroyed building nearby and parked the car.

"Grab those grappling hooks." Soldier said.

They took the grappling hooks they brought along with them. Soldier led them to a part of the fence out of BLU mercs' view. A small shed was providing their cover. They climbed the fence and softly landed on the other side.

Listening to Engineer, they secretly made their way to the outside of the RED spawn. Luckily for the mercs, the windows installed gave them access. They slickly shot the grappling hooks towards the ledge of the window. Once up there, Scout opened the window and dove in. Soldier and Engineer followed suit.

"Alright. No BLUs here." Scout said.

Soldier turned around to find a shocked BLU Medic tending to his birds.

"Get him!" Soldier yelled.

The three mercs rushed the medic and held him down. Soldier found some rope lying around and tied the Medic up.

"You swine vill not leave here alive! American garbage!" BLU Medic shouted.

Soldier ripped a piece of his sleeve off and tied it to the Medic's mouth.

"Sit tight, herr doctor. I'd watch my mouth if I were you, Nazi, unless you want an American boot **RIGHT** up your ass, just like in WWII." Soldier said.

"Uh, Soldier. I reckon the Russians were the-"

"Come now, men! Let's get that intel."

The mercs slowly creeped out of the spawn room, finding a BLU Soldier resting in a chair. Soldier, stretching his right arm out far with his shovel, ripped off the BLU Soldier's helmet. He bashed the BLU Soldier with his shovel. The BLU Soldier collasped to the floor as his head collided with the ground, painting it a darker red.

"Jesus." Scout said, rubbing his head.

The mercs ran down to the turbine room and hid behind the large rectangular crates. As a BLU Demoman walked around the corner. Engineer yanked him down and knocked him out with his wrench. A BLU Scout and Heavy were conversing on the other side. The mercs walked along the left side of the crate. Scout looked up behind him and noticed a BLU Sniper.

"Guys, I'm going back and into the vents. The Sniper up there's gonna meet the business end of my bat." Scout whispered to his comrades.

The other two mercs nodded as Scout ran back. He quickly reached the vents and followed its path to the BLU Sniper. Soldier and Engineer discreetly ran into BLU's area. On their way to the intel room, they killed several BLUs, barely escaping with their lives. Scout winded his bat up and hit the BLU Sniper upside the head. With a thud, the Sniper fell and released his rifle. Scout grabbed the gun and waited.

The Soldier and the Engineer soon reached BLU's intel room. They almost ran into the intel room until they heard a sentry beeping and whirring. They hid behind a wall near the room.

"Fucking sentries." Soldier muttered.

"Now I see why BLU Demomen tell me not to hide behind my toys. How are we gonna take it out?" Engineer said.

"Maybe you could steal some metal and build a sentry. I'll distract BLU's sentry while you lay you sentry down."

"That's stupid, son. And besides, I have the Gunslinger."

"Ok..then we'll have to take some bullets for our country. When I rush out there, cover me with your shotgun."

Soldier tightly grasped his rocket launcher.

"Ah hell..." Engineer said.

Soldier and Engineer rushed the Level 2 sentry, firing their weapons at it. The sentry was able to hit both of them a few times. The hits weren't fatal, but made sure that they were known. The BLU Engineer stared at them.

"REDs!" He yelled.

He slammed his fist against an alarm button, causing alarms to blare around the base. The BLU Engineer charged the two with a wrench. Engineer threw down a mini-sentry while Soldier shot the BLU Engineer with his shotgun. The BLU Engineer got obliterated. Soldier and Engineer grabbed the RED and BLU intel cases.

"Let's get the hell outta here!" Engineer yelled

Soldier and Engineer ran out of the BLU area. Several BLUs were following close behind as several dozen were leaving spawn. Scout carefully aimed and picked off 3 BLUs. Soldier and Engineer made it to the RED area and Scout put a bullet in thethe BLU Sniper's head before following them.

They all met back up outside of the RED spawn room.

"Let's get the heck outta here already!" Scout shouted.

They entered the spawn, finding a free BLU Medic. The Medic stabbed Scout and Engineer with his ubersaw and used his uber to escape.

"Agh!" Scout yelped.

"Gah!" Engineer flinched, holding his stomach.

"Men!" Soldier yelled.

The BLUs were reaching their spawn room. Soldier took Engineer's shotgun and his own shotgun. He jumped out of spawn with his rocket launcher on his back and fired at the incoming BLUs.

"Come get some, bastards!"

Engineer reached into the medical/ammunition locker and pulled out some rubbing alcohol and bandages. He heavily doused Scout's wounds and bandaged the wound in his side. Scout yelled out as Engineer did this. Engineer did the same to himself as Soldier held off the BLU mercs. Engineer and Scout grabbed their grappling guns

"Let's get going, Soldier!" Engineer weakly yelled.

Soldier dashed back inside and grabbed his grappling guns. The mercs shot the guns at the window and used the hooks to slowly descend from the building. As they reached the ground, Soldier blew a hole in the fence and led the mercs out. He dashed over to the camper van and started it. Scout and Engineer hopped in as Soldier drove off. A dozen BLU vehicles followed them.

"They're tailin' us! Scout! Use your pistol to shoot their tires." Engineer said.

Scout, aiming at the BLUs outside his window. He shot 2 BLU vehicles' tires, causing them to crash. He groaned and slumped down as his wounds started to hurt worse. Engineer grabbed a few of his toolboxes and threw it outside of the car, up ahead of them. Soldier swerved out of the way to dodge them. As the mini-sentries assembled, they fired at the BLU vehicles. They took out a good 4 before running out of ammo. Engineer took his shotgun and Scout's pistol and shot at the BLUs.

"Take this, ya yellabellies!" He yelled.

He managed to shoot a BLU driver and 3 more cars' tires. Only 2 BLU vehicle's remained.

"I'm out of ammo." Engineer said.

"Use my rocket launcher!" Soldier told him.

Engineer grabbed the rocket launcher and steadily aimed the launcher at the BLUs. The BLUs furiously shot at the camper van, forcing Soldier do dodge what damage he could. Engineer fired the launcher and took out both cars in one shot.

"Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!" Engineer yelled, celebrating his victory.

"Nice..job..Engie." Scout said weakly, coughing up some blood.

"Hurry, now, Soldier. Scout ain't got much time."

Soldier sped up, driving at around 80 mph. RED team waited outside of the base for the mercs. Spy paced around the outside, smoking his new gold, black, and red cigars he ordered.

"So, the package you were expecting were friggin' cigs?!" Miss Pauling asked.

"These are not 'friggin' cigs,' Miss Pauling. These are imported apricot-flavored Jacque Blem cigars, one of ze best kinds of cigars in all of France. Each cigar is easily worth more than what a fast food manager makes in 2 months and they are seasonal. I don't quite think you grasp ze totality of these cigars' importance." Spy said.

"You're paying thousands per cigar to get lung cancer." Miss Pauling said.

"Legend has zit that Jacque Blem flavored cigars leave the taste and smell of their cigars in ze smoker's lungs."

"Heavy can think of better ways to kill himself." Heavy said.

"Choking on bear meat?"

"Cyka Blyat.." Heavy muttered.

Just then, the mercs arrived at the base. Scout and Engineer rolled out of the car. Soldier simply stepped out.

"Hello, Miss Pauling. We have retrieved the intel!" He said.

* * *

After receiving medical attention, Scout and Engineer retold the entire story. They said that if it wasn't for Soldier, they'd be dead.

"Nice job, lad! Ye must have some pair to do what ye did." Demoman complimented.

"Soldier credit to team!" Heavy said.

"Wonderful performance, comrades." Medic said.

"Is my camper van fucked up or not, mates?" Sniper bitterly asked.

"It was no problem, everyone." Soldier said.

Miss Pauling walked into the room with a crate. She dropped it to the ground.

"Well, Soldier. I was planning to save this for the future, but the administrator decided that you deserve it after what you did. Congratulations." She said.

Soldier's covered eyes leaped out of his helmet. He kneeled down and carefully opened the box. Inside was a long, slim rocket launcher with wings. The entire gun was covered with an eagle and an American flag in the background.

The Launcher of the Brave

Class: Soldier  
Slot: Primary  
Desc: A custom-made rocket laucher made for Soldier for his heroic acts.

(+) 20% Damage dealt  
(+) Height when rocket jumping is tripled  
(+) 40% max ammo  
(+) 15% bullet resistance  
(+) Half of damage dealt to opponents using this weapon increases BRAVE meter. When full, (at 1200 and depletes at 200/sec when activated.) right-click to activate BRAVE, which gives nearby teammates +30% Speed and Damage boost.  
(-) 25% Max Health  
(-) 50% Max Overheal  
(-) 35% Healing from all sources  
(-) 15% Firing rate  
(-) 20% Movement speed

"This is incredible!" Soldier said.

"Enjoy it, Soldier." Miss Pauling said.

"No need to worry about that, Miss Pauling." Spy said.

Miss Pauling raised an eyebrow.

"Ze BLU team is outside our base." Spy said.

Soldier smiled and stood straight up, his prize in his hands.

"So, Soldier. Whatcha thinkin'?" Scout said, smiling.

"What I'm thinking about?" Soldier asked.

He chuckled and walked out of the room. He dashed towards the exit as the mercs followed. BLU rushed inside the base.

"I think it's time to kick some ass! **ATTAAAAAAACK!** "

...

 **THE END**


End file.
